So, I write to you now from a train on my way into central London for my work Christmas party, early right?! Anyway tonight will be my first night away from my baby and this mama already wants to go home and I’m not even there yet!
Not only is this my first night out since becoming a mama but the most time I would have spent away from P!
I’m sitting here on my way to a night of free food and drinks with my colleagues and I am full to the brim of anxiety and guilt! Guilt that I should be at home with my baby, guilt that I am going out for a party and not at home being the dutiful wife and mother. I’m also anxious, thinking about how my husband will cope without me, whether P will notice that I am missing and if she will miss me or not.
I’ve known about this Christmas party for weeks and should have mentally prepared myself for this but I clearly haven’t or if I did I didn’t do a very good job. Why is mama guilt such a thing? Why is it so consuming and why am I currently hating myself for going away for a maximum of 16 hours... I have a lovely hotel booked for me ... where I can sleep, bathe and relax all on my own and it’s FREE!!! So why I am desperate to get off at the next station and go home???
Before I had a child I hadn’t given mama guilt a second thought, honestly I thought it was people just being over dramatic but I was soooo wrong! My husband had to practically throw me out the house, telling me I deserved to relax and have a good time. I know I am lucky to have someone that pushes me to go and have a good time and is with my daughter, keeping her safe until I am back with them both.
So, with that in mind I have made the decision to ignore the guilt, or at least push it to one side, have a few fizzy pops, enjoy my hotel room, an uninterrupted nights sleep and a shower that lasts longer than 2.5 minutes.
But I will be on the first train out of London in the morning back home for hours of cuddles and smiles!