I have been a mother for three months now. I can still barely believe it. I look at my beautiful daughter and think how the frilly heck did you get here ... obviously, I know how she got here, I was there for all of it and most definitely felt it. What I mean is, I still can’t quite believe I am responsible for a tiny human all of my own (well the husband helps too!)
These first three months have been a whirlwind of emotions, happiness, sleep deprivation, poopy nappies, crying fits, cuddles and utter joy. Looking back these months have been the best of my existence, don’t get me wrong, it has been bloody hard and trying but it has been wonderful. I look at her everyday and realise just how lucky we are to have her and that she is perfect in every way. Motherhood has been a massive learning curve for me, I spent 32 years without a child, without the responsibility of another being completely dependent on me. I am by nature a control freak, I like organisation, order, tidiness. I cherished my freedom, to come and go as I pleased, answerable to no one, well except my parents (yes even at my age I do as I am told!) my husband occasionally but rarely. But now every minute of my life is centred upon my daughter, her needs, her wants and her happiness. Well it’s how it should be... I spent most of my pregnancy trying to ascertain how I was going to fit my new little creation into my life but I was so wrong, babies don’t fit in with you ... you fit in with them!!! Lesson one quickly learnt!
I have learnt a great many things, since my new job title of mama came into effect most of which I was not expecting to learn.
The biggest thing I’ve learnt in my motherhood journey this far, is that I can do anything. Giving birth is an experience like no other. All through it, I kept repeating in my head I can do this!
And I could and did, (didn’t really have much choice once things reallly kicked off!) I realised my body was amazing, it knew exactly what it had to do, even when I didn’t. I learnt that nothing is impossible now. Also, women are incredible creatures, sorry chaps but women are magical. This knowledge certainly helps when faced with a screaming baby!
When my daughter, newly born was handed to me by my wonderful midwife, I expected to cry. But I didn’t, my husband did but I didn’t. Now it is a long standing joke in my family that I am a bit of a robot when it comes to feelings and emotions so people weren’t surprised to learn I didn’t cry. Don’t get me wrong, I felt all the feels when my baby was handed too me, the main one being, what did I just do and *%\^# I am holding my baby! My mind was in total shock, I don’t think I could have cried if I wanted too. But it was ok not to cry, I was unbelievably happy but shocked, shocked at what my body bad just accomplished, shocked that I was holding my own tiny human and shocked that the second she entered the world, mine had instantly changed. Don’t worry my husband cried enough for the both of us!
Wow babies poop and pee don’t they...”it’s alright I’ll only have to change her a couple times a day” this comment (by me) was met with hearty laughter by my mum. We go through so many nappy changes a day, especially as my child is allergic to the slightest spot of wetness which results in a scream so loud and non stop until the nappy is changed. I have also learnt that nothing brings me more joy than when it’s a poopy nappy and my husband is holding her, get out of jail free card for mummy!! I am also so surprised to learn about the snobbery around nappies. I couldn’t believe at one of my baby groups that a mother (self righteous busy body none the less!) looked upon me so distastefully when I said I bought Lidl nappies. They’ve won awards and titles and really do the job wonderfully - get off your high horse woman it a great nappy! Ps their wipes are pretty good too - not an ad but being so good and cheap - saving your pennies to spend on the bambino or yourself - is not a bad thing at all! Yay Lidl!
The main thing I’ve learnt is that it is ok, not to be ok. Honestly I dismissed all notions of the baby blues, I wasn’t expecting it to happen to me. But it did and that was ok. My body effectively went through a trauma, I was all over the place, coupled with a loss in my control freak abilities and a crying baby. Tearfulness and feelings of inadequacy were to be expected and normal. I realise that now!
I learnt that all my plans for my post baby life were futile, ha! Why even bother making plans, a lot of the things I had planned on or wanted had to be changed within days or weeks and it was ok to cry over that, thankfully, because I did!
The main and most important thing I have learnt over these three months is just how incredibly lucky I am to have my daughter. I am so lucky where so many are not and I am grateful everyday for that and I make sure I appreciate everything I have because I am and have been lucky and I pray that I may be lucky again one day.
But pregnancy and motherhood has made me realise that they are both a blessing and privilege not something to be taken lightly or squandered and for my lot I am so thankful. It had made me appreciate and support causes such as, premature babies, fertility issues, postnatal health and specialised services like midwives, health visitors, children’s hospitals etc.
So there you have it, three months in and I’m still surviving, still coping and still loving it. I am looking forward to seeing how life continues to change in the next three months!